The Emotional Pandemic – What You Need To Know Part 2

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In April my presentation was titled, ‘The Emotional Pandemic- What You Need to Know.” I spoke of an article in the Harvard Business Review titled, “That Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief.”  I shared the fact that we tend to associate grief with death, but that now it’s crucial to know that grief is, simply stated, the way we handle change. And we’re living in a time of drastic change- change that leaves us uncertain about our safety and our future.

Grieving the loss of our normal lives can manifest through feelings from mild disappointment and lower energy, to anger, anxiety, and even panic.   Let’s look at the five general areas of grief:

  1. Denial, Disbelief, Dissociation
  2. Anger and Outrage (Protest- Wolves howl)
  3. Obsession and Rumination: where Anxiety comes in; Control
  4. Depression and Despair
  5. Acceptance (Forgiveness) and Effective Action

Most of us have one area we tend to fall into and are at risk of staying. Generally, women are more vulnerable to depression and men to anger. I think it’s the testosterone factor.

In my book, From Crisis to Creativity, the message is that every one of these stages has an energy that is moving us toward our own creative self-expression. When stuck in Denial, the artist knows he’s about to put color on the blank canvas. The author knows she’ll eventually write something on that blank page. And the gardner knows that the seeds planted beneath the dark soil in time will grow lush green plants.

In Denial, we’re simply incubating our next stage of growth.

Anger is the energy that moves us forward in life. Instinctively, anger gives us the adrenaline rush to outrun danger. In grief, it’s the outrage about a loss that has seriously impacted our life. Most important, anger is a drive that can not only move you forward, but can even move you to your life purpose.

Obsession– ruminating over details, can feel crazy-making; but after some length of time creates clarity and mastery over the situation

Depression– impacts immune system; anxiety and depression can lead to physical aches and pains and illness; but also leads to Rebirth

Acceptance- New possibilities; self-forgiveness- Take Action

Now 6 months later, Google reports that there are twice as many searches for “anxiety and panic” now than there were last year at this same time. So, we have to identify something else we’re all experiencing: Collective Trauma. Collective trauma is when entire communities or societies are impacted by traumatic events.

Here’s a list:

  • COVID-19 and health concerns
  • Constant news cycle
  • Economic upheaval
  • Financial stress
  • Uncertainty
  • Unemployment
  • Election and political strife
  • Black Lives Matter movement protests/counter-protests
  • Kids at home/worries about their education
  • Separation from family
  • Social isolation and loneliness
  • Lack of consistent leadership and guidance
  • Lack of access to religious services; community groups
  • Missing friends at work
  • Worries about climate change, fires, Hurricanes
  • Not being able to hug

 I’ve listed 16 areas- the last one may be the most important. Years ago when studying aspects of wellness, I learned that humans should have 5 hugs a day!

Now, even when we have physical proximity, we’re not supposed to hug

That means we’re not getting the right amount of oxytocin, the nurturing hormone, released into our system. This is the hormone that new mothers release when they’re nursing their babies. We need that nurturing. We’re getting lots of cortisol release- the stress hormones- that lead to increase in physical symptoms and illness. Suicide rate is spiking; men over 65 biggest group- and sadly, dramatic increase in teen suicides and overdoses currently.

  • What should you do now?
  • Provide balance in your life, physical movement, yoga, walking, exercise; dancing; keep a schedule of these activities
  • Monitor your thoughts– 8 year old Violet: Compulsive cleaning; worries about getting sick; nightmares. 1) Fairy tales- scary things; brave; never give up; will always have help; happy ending 2) Brain-

Big brain- Upstairs brain (smart, strong, confident) -Positive thoughts)  Little child brain- Downstairs brain (fearful, afraid, nightmares; scary thoughts) Must remember to stay in the upstairs brain. Always give ourselves positive thoughts.

  • Practice optimism- studies of resilient people, those who survive and thrive after extreme abuse or brutality are optimistic. They have a sense of self-efficacy; a belief that they could be an influence for good- even in a dire situation. Cog. Self-therapy; thought stopping
  • Start a journal: Write what you’re committed to in the next few yrs write a vision statement; rekindle your dreams; write 2 actions you’ll take to manifest these dreams
  • Meditation and/or prayer; inspirational reading
  • Get grounded work in your garden, walk in the grass
  • Have a healthy diet, drink water, take your vitamins
  • Breathing exercises; easy one: love in, fear out Heat Math Inst.
  • Bodywork- take care of your body: long shower, get a massage, try acupuncture
  • Reach out to a therapist, expand your emotional growth
  • Speak with your financial advisor, review your plans, be reassured
  • Try some new creative endeavor: after one of my ski accident w broken shoulder, head injury- so impaired (no reading, TV- took a class In drawing and watercolor painting
  • Lastly, if you’re in a close relationship where you can hug, make sure you’re getting your 5 hugs a day! Even from your dog!

The Sources of Real Power by Jose Stevens

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The word and the concept of power has many definitions, both negative and positive.
And right now, across the world, power is being abused in grossly harmful ways.
I just re-discovered this article on power by Jose Stevens, psychologist and shamanic teacher. Although it’s from October of 2018, it’s completely timely. You’ll recognize aspects of sociology, positive psychology, spirituality and commanding life-coaching practices.
I hope you are inspired by it as I have been.

Be well in mind, heart, and body.

All good wishes,
Gail

THE SOURCES OF REAL POWER
October 15, 2018 By José Stevens

Perhaps it is time to once again look at the topic of power because we are living in a time of massive change and it so happens that the theme of power is rearing its head again. This will be especially true in the next couple of weeks but in a way it is also the theme for the next several decades and that will affect the majority of people alive today.

Power of course can be defined a number of ways both conventionally and from a more spiritual point of view. Conventionally power is usually associated with power over people, events, organizations, budgets, technology and so on. One who wields this kind of power has what appears to others to be influence and control over the physical environment. This kind of power is very glamorous for many human beings and so hundreds of millions spend their lives trying to acquire it and exercise it with mixed results. One type of this power is the ability to influence people’s minds. Marketing, politics, and religion are all major forces trying to influence how people think and what choices they make. For example if you can convince enough people to buy your product you will likely become wealthy indeed. If you can sell enough people on why you should be their new leader you will be seen as quite powerful in the world when you are elected or when you just step in and take over. If you can sell enough people on why they should adopt your religious ideas then you can control them very easily in a variety of ways. You can threaten them with excommunication, or with losing their souls, or with more painful punishments such as being burned at the stake or stoned to death and so on.

These are the ways most people think of power. In addition they think it is going to make them happy, fulfilled, satisfied, admired by everyone, and will be a lot of fun to boot. The reality of course is quite different. The problem with this kind of power is that is a zero sum game. If someone else has the power then perhaps you don’t. If you have it then they don’t. So this kind of power is seen as limited in quantity and in high demand. Only one person can be president, secretary of state, dictator or CEO at a time. Only one person can be the highest paid actor in Hollywood. There is only one Miss America every year. There is only one winner of the Emmy for best new artist. There is only one CEO of Disney Corporation or Apple or Amazon. Because this kind of power is limited you have to spend a great deal of effort and time defending it from usurpers to the throne, ones who seek to topple you by destroying your company, out-besting you and so on. On political or rock star levels you may have to have strong security forces preventing people from assassinating you. Not so much fun after all. The more of this kind of power you have the lonelier you may become because you have fewer and fewer peers and they are often out to defeat you.

Many people seeking power are content with being advisor to the queen or king or even king or queen-maker, the one who got them there in the first place. This usually involves strong rewards or favors later. That is another kind of power. Some people are just content to be an outlaw, a drug lord, a mafia don whose ring people kiss. That looks glamorous but usually involves looking over their shoulder constantly for the police or a rival’s assassin.

Most people however cannot aspire to these lofty positions of power but they still want their piece of the pie. So they exercise control over their children by abusing them or threatening and trying to control them or they do the same with their spouses. Some petty bosses act like little dictators to the employees that report to them and still others play games with their boyfriends or girlfriends trying to control them through jealousy to get their attention. If you look around you can see an almost universal ego oriented drive for power that almost continually backfires. All these games for control, for admiration, for attention, and so on usually produce the opposites. They do not make people more popular and they do not give them control. They certainly do not make them more powerful but rather usually weaker and less secure so they have to ratchet up their bids for low-level power.

Many of these low-level power bids are so obvious as to be completely transparent to an older soul who usually steers clear of them. If someone tells an older soul that they are the only one who can solve their problem, that older soul will be out the door in no time flat. Most older souls find this desire for local external power to be somewhat repugnant and they are embarrassed when they see these actions in themselves.

So what other kind of power is there? Well there is a whole laundry list. First of all there is the power to make up your own mind, the power to make choices, the power to say no or yes to another’s suggestions or requests. There is the power to observe and clearly see the activities of your own false personality and the power to move away from the poisons of the seven obstacles, greed, self-destructiveness, self-deprecation, arrogance, martyrdom, impatience, and stubbornness. There is the power to see the bigger picture and choose not to identify with the contents of your life but rather with the context of it. There is the power to choose love over fear, forgiveness over judgment, compassion over hate and so on. These may seem like small things to some but they are the actually the big things, the things that can liberate you from a life of suffering. And they are not necessarily easy to do. They require more discipline and work than earning a million or billion dollars. They are a lifetime of discipline and choices. They are a lifetime of picking oneself off the ground over and over and trying it again after a miserable failure, the failure to love, the failure to forgive and so on. This is truly the hard stuff, the stuff that takes real power to confront and make progress with.

Real power is in the ability to let go of extreme attachment, the power to let go of your kids and let them live, the power of letting go of control. It is the power to overcome the tendency to believe in appearances and look deeper. It is the power to find Spirit in everyone and everything even though it is very hard to see sometimes. It is the power to take risks and be vulnerable when the last time you did you got your face smooshed in the mud. It is the power to face humiliation and speak from your truth even though you are not likely to be understood or even heard. It is the power to laugh long and hard at the crazy paradoxes and absurdity of being a human being.

Real power is stretching to go beyond your comfort zone and take some risks and then to compliment yourself for trying even though you failed the bid. Real power comes from the space you create by exercising all these practices and disciplines. Power is your capacity to be “I am” and the ability to do, “I can.” It is not what you did last week, it is what you are capable of now. Power is derived out of emptiness, being the hollow bone, being the conduit for Spirit, being able to get out of the way for Spirit to happen through you. “Not mine but thine.” Last but not least real power feels good and can result in real fun and enjoyment. There is nothing to fear, no trap waiting to get you, no getting worse the more you strive for it. There is no down side to it and it is not a zero sum game of competitiveness. Everyone can enjoy real power at the same time without getting in each others way. With this kind of power the more you help others to be powerful the more powerful you become yourself. The only price to pay for real power is your own comfort zone and ultimately that is a very small price to pay.

In these challenging times the best thing we can do is take inventory of ourselves. This is one of the paths to real power. In a healthy business one must take inventory periodically. The same is true for us. This practice keeps us healthy and strong. What is it that I am looking for? What do I want in my life now? What are my strengths and weaknesses? Where is my support system. Who are my peeps? What is dragging me down? What gives me the most trouble? How can I be of greater service? What am I giving attention to? What am I ignoring? What am I hiding from others? From myself? What emotions am I sitting on? How am I feeling sorry for myself? What am I complaining about but doing nothing to change? Who and what have I been blaming for my lack of happiness or good fortune? What are the real blessings of my life? What do I really care about? What is important to me now? If Spirit were to tell me exactly what I should be doing right now, would I do it? Why not? What do I feel guilty and shameful about? What has been and continues to be a real waste of time? What do I need in my life now? Rest? Quiet time? A burst of productive activity? Companionship? Where is my energy coming from? What are my energy leaks right now? How do I lie to myself? Where is my passion? Where is the real juice for me?

You get the idea. These are the kind of questions that need asking and answering but not with a bunch of self-loathing and self-criticism. They are legitimate questions that need to be asked in a kind of detached way with no blame. Try to do this kind of inventory soon. If you find it helps do it in written form. It will help you a great deal with the coming times. Those who refuse to do an inventory won’t be prepared for the opportunities that are coming to be truly powerful in an older soul way.

Happy trails.

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The Emotional Pandemic – What You Need to Know

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Thank you for joining me today.  My name is Gail Feldman and I’m a clinical psychologist and professional life coach. I’ve practiced here in Albuquerque for forty-plus years. I’ve titled my talk “The Emotional Pandemic- What you Need to Know” because I’ve become so aware of what I’m experiencing in my sessions (all remote now) with my clients and patients. I work with a population of trauma survivors, all very high-functioning, successful adults, but because of the current extraordinary situation are coping with anxiety and even panic. Two examples- a young woman, a child psychologist married to a hospital physician, is at home with two young children, one of them handicapped. Her husband has moved into the garage in order to keep from infecting them. Needless to say, she and her husband are very concerned about getting the virus. An 82 year-old woman, renowned in her career, fell and broke her hip several months ago- that plus other medical conditions have required repeated trips to the hospital. She is terrified of contracting the virus and is having panic attacks.

When you have never felt safe growing up, it’s difficult, if not impossible, to feel safe in this current time when life is nothing like the familiar life we used to have.

The March issue of The Harvard Business Review posted an article titled, “That Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief.” It was an interview with the world’s foremost expert on grief, psychologist David Kessler. He co-wrote with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. His new book is Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.

The Editorial Board began with this premise: “If we can name it, perhaps we can manage it.” We humans name everything in order to create a sense of mastery and control. Everything you see right now- from the chair you’re sitting in to the table you’re working from began with human curiosity and inventiveness- they were created and given a name. Most people are familiar with the feelings we call depression and anxiety. In the context we speak of now, these feelings are being called Grief.

I thought the Harvard Business Review article was spot-on because we typically associate grief with coping with death. We’ve never experienced anything like this pandemic.

So let’s talk about grief. We’ve named it. What is it?
The 5 stages of grief first described by Kubler-Ross are: Denial, Anger,

Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I’ve expanded a bit on these:

  1. Denial and Disbelief
  2. Anger and Outrage
  3. Obsession and Rumination (Bargaining) This is where Anxiety lives: If only…if only…..
  4. Depression and Despair
  5. Acceptance and Action

Gender differences: Sometimes we get stuck in one of the stages: men tend to linger more in anger; women tend to go more easily into depression.

Depression tends to be about losses in the past; obsession and anxiety about the fears of the future. What will happen? How will this be resolved? What will my life look like?

Kessler speaks of a new form of grief he calls, Anticipatory Grief, which is about that uncertain future we’re living in now. Worries about our financial security; worries about our families; worries about our own physical health.

How we have tended to view depression and anxiety- is as a medical problem; a psychiatric diagnosis; some have seen it as a weakness of character. There’s a recent podcast called:” Coronavirus, anxiety, and the profound failure of rugged individualism”-

Acknowledging that there’s no way we can take all this on by ourselves

They first point out that there are 3 main reasons for depression and anxiety: Biological– your own genetic makeup; Psychological– causes like trauma, low self- image; and Social causes in the environment- loneliness; financial insecurity. We have tended to ignore the social causes – until now. With this pandemic, we have a massive social upheaval. Most everyone has concerns about their physical, emotional, and financial security. This is normal.

What to do:

  1. Provide balance in your life: Structure your time. Create a schedule for 1) Physical movement: yoga, walking or other exercise. Schedules help us feel secure and in control. It’s the first thing we learn in life- when we get up, have breakfast, go to school, go to bed. Do these activities at the same time and for the same length of time each day 2) We have to stay informed: watch the news or read it online at the same time each day for a certain length of time then shut it off and move to your next activity
  2. Monitor your thoughts so that the negative thoughts simply indicate what needs to be handled. If the negative thoughts reflect a pattern of worry or “awfulizing,” practice self-cognitive therapy: a. Ex. “The market will never come back in my lifetime.” Put a big Stop sign up in your mind. We call this Thought-stopping b. Change the channel c. Flip the thought from negative to positive. Declare the positive thought.
  3. In the interest of clear thinking, meet with your financial advisor- the experts on your personal financial picture and the experts on the market in order to have a clear understanding about your personal situation.
  4. Be aware of what some behavioral economists call, the “animal instincts”- emotions that influence financial decisions during volatile times. If your animal spirits are high, confidence and optimism will be the prevailing energy. If animal spirits are low, pessimism and irrationality can influence market decisions.
  5. Practice Optimism: Resilient people are optimistic. Early longitudinal research on high-risk children, children who were extremely abused or neglected showed that 30% of these kids became highly functional successful, even leaders as adults. The consistent variable in these adults was found to be Optimism a sense of self-efficacy; a belief that they could be an influence for good- even in dire situations.
  6. If meditation and prayer is part of your life, be sure to practice it now. If not, find some readings that lift your spirits, that inspire you.
  7. I strongly suggest you keep a Journal:
    • Write about the impact of this shut-down/stay-in Is having on you
    • What does it feel like?  Feel/explore your feelings
    • Write what you are you committed to for your life in the next few years? Write a vision statement. In Proverbs it says, “Without a vison the
      people perish.” Helen Keller said, “The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.” Take this time to rekindle your dreams
    • Write two actions you’ll take to move toward manifestation of these dreams.
    • Know that manifesting your dreams, creating the next stage of your life is what will give this time  power and meaning.

,         Let me review the 7 points:

And now I’m talking about Kessler’s new book title: Finding Meaning- the Sixth Stage of Grief

  1. When we survive and affirm our most important values,  we create meaning for our future life.
  2. Viktor Frankl, Austrian psychiatrist, lost all his family In the Holocaust; spent 3 years barely surviving in one of the concentration camps. He believed that suffering in life can only be endured and made meaningful in three ways: Through

(1) “Love -the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire.”

(2)  Passion for one’s work- he spent the remainder of his life creating Humanistic psychology; wrote 36 bks- Man’s Search for Meaning the most well-known

(3)  Courage to be responsible for handling challenges over which we have no control. He believed deeply in personal responsibility. He even spoke of being “worthy of one’s suffering.”  Used the term, tragic optimism- the capacity to be clear about the tragic circumstances, and still be optimistic about the future.

Quote from Master Coach, Tony Robbins:

“We have a resourcefulness inside ourselves that says no matter what happens in life, who I am is bigger than anything that could ever happen to me or anyone I love. No problem is permanent, and nothing that happens is pervasive.”

Email: gfwrites@comcast.net

Website: www.gailfeldman.com -Viktor Frankl talk in Vienna is in the

Spring Cleaning – Your Habits Not Your House

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 The Good                             

We all have good habits- the kind that keep us organized and get us to work on time well-fed and prepared to handle our jobs responsibly. Good habits are a good thing. They’re automatic and, for the most part, unconscious. They conserve energy to use for more important endeavors. We create habitual behaviors in order to not waste time thinking about how and when to do them. Smart.

The Bad

What about those other habits- the bad ones? We eat the extra cookies or the bag of chips. We find five other things to do instead of exercise.  We procrastinate and arrive late at meetings.  We’ve developed these behaviors for slightly different reasons- they’re impulse-driven and satisfy a felt need.. The cookies are THERE, after-all, and they’re my favorite. I really need the extra hour of sleep instead of getting up and out for a run. We learned to justify or rationalize these behaviors in childhood, because at those moments we needed to feel good. Something was missing- a sense of worth, of security, of being loveable- and giving ourselves extra food, more sleep, special time, satisfied the need.

The Ugly

The price we pay for our “bad habits” a short time later is feeling really bad, guilty, and ashamed.  The truly ugly habits, the ones that cross the line into addictions like compulsive spending, gambling, alcohol and drug abuse; over-eating can cost us our health and financial security, and also our jobs, family and friends. These habits can truly destroy our self-esteem

Blame Your Brain

The good news is in about habits: We are not defective humans. In The Power of Habit, we learn that the brain creates a “habit loop.” First there’s a Cue, a desire for something, then a Routine develops where we achieve the object of our desire, and finally there’s a Reward. Interestingly, the reward is not the thing itself, the reward is in feeling better, richer, calmer- for a short time. Soon the brain begins to Crave the routine, with its specific reward. It’s the Craving that drives our habits. We Crave that feeling of well-being and we can blame a tiny ancient structure at the base of the brain- the basal ganglia- for our craving.

Train Your Brain

The really good news is that knowing about the “habit loop” means we can change our habits. 1.  Choose a Cue– your exercise clothes are laid-out and running shoes are by the door; your salad and celery are ready to grab from the frig as you leave for work 2. Choose a Reward to anticipate –High Five yourself in the mirror, toast yourself with tea at dinner; find a way to really celebrate yourself 3. Practice the new routine consistently for one month and you’ve changed your behavior and changed your brain.  Your brain, now Craves the routine so that it can achieve the good feelings associated with your new healthy habit.

*Take a mental inventory and choose a habit you’d like to “clean-up” this Spring. Follow the three steps above and be sure to celebrate your new routine. Feel good about craving the “feel good” results.

*Open the windows of your mind- let the breeze blow in fresh thoughts, exciting ideas, new possibilities. Create many different rewards for cleaning-up your habits.

If you’d like support during your “Spring Cleaning,” call me to learn about my therapy and coaching services.

Many Blessings,  Gail

The Doctor is In!

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Did you love “Lucy the Psychiatrist” in the Peanuts comic strip as much as I did? Lucy’s brash self-confidence is juxtaposed with Charlie Brown’s shyness and perpetual self-doubt. Taken together, these two aspects could represent the poles of energy we all experience – our confident assertive thoughts and actions verses the negative ruminations that would stop us from asserting our competence and following our dreams. In this latter place, how tempting it is to look to others for their ideas and opinions. But, I’m reminded by Lucy’s sign that, “advice is cheap”- only 5 cents, and even a child can provide it.

How much better to look to our own deep intuitive wisdom to guide us in life. As a life coach, my work is to facilitate you in doing just that. After the early sessions to discover your Essence and Life Purpose, I’ll guide you in designing a life based on passion, freedom, and the manifestation of your own dreams.

I know it’s possible. As a clinical psychologist for over thirty-five years, I’d had two psychoanalyses and years of psychotherapy to combat a history of depression. But it was the last eight years of coaching that allowed me to complete a book six- months ahead of schedule, find the love of my life, create a successful additional career as an ontological life coach, and most important, feel joy and appreciation every single day.

Now that the New Year is no longer new, what are you itching to change, to explore, to create? Hiring a coach can help you focus and discover what’s next. As one of our early motivational speakers, Jim Rohn, said:

“Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present.”

Professional coaching can provide you with the skills to release old patterns and limitations, and support you in creating a vision that you can live into powerfully. To quote Deepak Chopra:

“The most creative act you will ever undertake is the act of creating yourself.”

Some years ago, I had a children’s series of stories featuring Asa the Baby Elephant. I named the little elephant Asa because the name, in Hebrew, means “teacher,” “healer,” or “physician.” The implication here is that we are all capable and called-upon to heal ourselves. In fact, the ancient Biblical saying, “Physician heal thyself,” is closely allied to the ancient wisdom-teaching, “Know thyself.” And I would add, “Believe in yourself.”

I would love to be your coach and facilitate you in creating the next chapter in your life. Call or email to set up a complimentary introductory phone session. And read some of the following descriptions of how coaching has impacted the lives of some of my clients:

  • “I will be forever grateful for the gift you have given me, Gail – the key to my very own inner strength and wisdom” Carla R. -Teacher
  • “Dr. Feldman: Thank you for helping me shine a little light on the blocks to my greater achievement. I now know I can accomplish anything I set out to. I feel like I’ve sprouted wings.” Christine M. -Business Owner
  • “Dear Gail: You have been a dynamic force in my life. You have taken me through a supportive, yet complex un-layering of work-life-balance issues to reveal my true essence. From that place, you’ve encouraged me to see the grandest vision of my life’s purpose. Each session has been an Aha! moment giving momentum to my goals and desires.” Dr. Lori E., Physician
  • “I feel like a different person! Almost a Scrooge-like transformation. Thank you, Gail, for facilitating this huge life change.”- John D., Musician
  • “Thank you for your gift of insight and knowing. You have made my coaching a tremendous journey and I know the best is yet to come.” Sarah R. –Fire Fighter
  • “My coaching with Gail not only helped me develop a new outlook on life- I was also able to manifest a new job!” Marlene F. –Executive Secretary
  • “Thank you so much for sharing the life coaching experience with me. The practices I learned are life changing for my stress management and overall wellbeing. The visioning, goal and reward setting processes were invaluable and will help keep me motivated. You were a pleasure to work with, your joy and passion for life and learning are contagious and inspirational. It was so helpful to my growth–physical, mental, emotional and spiritual!” Ana B. –Author & Business Owner

  • “Deciding to partner with Dr. Feldman as a life coach has proven to be a wise decision with an enormous return on my investment. Although I consider myself a motivated and disciplined individual, I nonetheless recognize I create the obstacles that prevent me from achieving my personal and professional goals. Working with Dr. Feldman as a life coach has cultivated my awareness, acknowledgement and appreciation for my essence and life’s purpose. This cultivation is enabling me to live more skillfully and to shift my energy away from self-created obstacles to open doors of possibility and living my best life. I am grateful for Dr. Feldman.” –Karen C. –Attorney, Author

  • “Your kindness, support and wisdom as my coach have led to more happiness than I’ve known in years.” Nancy H. -Psychologist
  • “You have done such an excellent job coaching and always had the resources, knowledge and intuition to combat any situation. You have made some very difficult times much easier and meaningful. And you have given me many tools to help me operate from my essence. I thank you tremendously for your expertise and friendship.” -Beth B., Attorney

* “Thank you for all the seeds of wisdom and the insight you share with me to help me to see more clearly what my heart is desiring, and the encouragement to continue to pursue it.  You are the best! With much gratitude.” – Liz A., Photographer

* “Since starting coaching, I’ve accomplished a number of goals related to clarity, perspective, and balance. I’ve become healthier, with a greater sense of well- being. I’ve faced several very difficult interpersonal situations and have created a new, more positive reality for myself.  I’m happier, more productive, and truly enjoying the fruits of my labor. I recommend coaching for anyone who sometimes feels overwhelmed with the many important and pressing priorities in their lives.  Having someone to share and collaborate with can make a profound difference. It has for me.”

-Keith H., CEO

  • Gail has been a great coach for me and helped me to make significant progress towards my goals.  One of the things I especially appreciate about Gail is that she provides me with concrete tools and behaviors that I can implement and then follow up with her on my progress.  She helps me not only in working towards my goals, but in raising my own awareness levels about how some of my own unconscious beliefs are getting in my way.  Gail takes the time to work with the whole person (our physical, emotional, and spiritual selves) and not just merely focus on a single issue or two.  She brings years of experience, research and personal expertise to the process of coaching, which provides her clients with a wealth of approaches and benefits.  I highly recommend her to anyone seeking coaching, either for personal growth and development, or to help move forward on specific goals or issues.

–Michael D., Management Consultant

I look forward to discussing my coaching services with you.

Warm Regards,

Gail

He also said, “Don’t wish for less problems, wish for more skills.”

SPRING INTO ACTION – Move From What Stops You to What Calls to You!

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** What fears or anxieties stop you from moving toward your greatest dreams and aspirations? Are you experiencing “political anxiety?”

** How can you make the shift to Optimism and Action?

** What would your boldest vision for the future look like? Can you find the courage to write it and use it as a roadmap?

Growing up, the word “Spring” was always followed by the word, “cleaning.” My mother took the cleaning part very seriously- like cleaning every slat of the venetian blinds, moving the furniture to insure that “dust mites” would not inhabit the house dust, and so on. My mother had left Oklahoma as a child in the 1930’s, moving with my grandmother’s family to escape the drought that led to the Oklahoma of that era being called “The Dustbowl.” They settled in a small agricultural town in the desert-lands of southern California before my mother, as a young woman, moved to San Diego.

Even though I have no reason to be daunted by any form of cleaning now, that early training led to a tendency, as Spring approached, to put-off almost everything that I might interpret as work- like this article, which I’d intended to write and post in early March.

I am now declaring a shift – from equating Spring with the drudgery of cleaning, to viewing Spring as an opportunity to create a more beautiful, expansive, and fulfilling life.

It’s easy to hold this view for my clients and my friends:
1) Diane, an energetic woman somewhere in her sixties, was planning ahead to relocate to the east coast to be with children and grandchildren in the next chapter of her life. Retirement was an option; money was not a particular problem. It was anxiety that was stalling her. She confessed that the anxiety was related to taking on the cleaning and organizing of her house. “I don’t know if I would technically be called a hoarder, but after 40 years in my big house I can’t imagine and feel over-whelmed every time I think of what it would take to get it ready to sell.”

I introduced Diane to a short meditation practice, Heart Breathing, as taught by the Heart Math Institute. Five minutes of breathing love into the heart and breathing out fear lowers heart rate and respiration right away, and taking the last minute to “breathe out love to all other beings” leads to a sense of deep calm. Diane was thrilled to start feeling less anxious so quickly. She was further relieved to know that when she felt ready, a professional organizer friend would be more than happy to guide her through the process of preparing for a move.

* While depression is thought to be a deep sadness about the past, anxiety typically represents a fear of the future. I’ve found that since the presidential election, many people are experiencing what we psychologists are calling, “political anxiety.”

2) Sandra, a young woman client who’s also a psychologist, came to me in a state of panic. While she is blond and “Anglo,” as we say in New Mexico, her physician husband is Mexican. “My children are brown- they look Mexican. I’m so afraid of how they might be treated now that Trump is president.” Sandra was reminded that her strengths- the positive attitude and the spirituality that helped her overcome challenges in her past was exactly what she needed to practice to overcome her fears now. She also recognized her need to get back to regular exercise as a stress- reliever.

3) Recently, I was asked to give a talk to one of the resistance groups, called, Indivisible. I spoke about Resilience- What it is and how to do it. One psychological definition of resilience is: “The capacity to cope with adversity and even catastrophe, and return to homeostasis afterward.” I stressed that the first coping mechanism is to feel your grief deeply, whether it’s the confusion of disbelief; the pain of anger, the crazy-making of obsession, or the anguish of depression. Take time to be with it, write about it, talk about it, think about it. As you honor and process your grief, you become able to practice the greatest attributes of resilience: Optimism and Self-Efficacy. Optimism means that you can hold a higher vision for the future. Self-Efficacy means that you believe in yourself- knowing that you can be an influence for good in every situation.

4) To accomplish this, use your SOAP daily:
S – Spirituality; Social participation; Service; Meditation/prayer; church; community, volunteering, mentoring
O – Optimism, Self-Efficacy, Confidence, Create a Power Pose; Make a long list of your strengths
A – Appreciation, Gratitude practices; Affirmations and Declarations of your Intentions
P – Purpose- Powerful Commitment to life work & to the Self-Care that is Required to Do the work, and to the over-riding value of Love!

5) To receive more guidance for your meditation practice, read the section in my book: From Crisis to Creativity: Creating a Life of Health & Joy At Any Age in Spite of Everything! (the 3rd edition)- starting on page 237:
“Relaxation – Trance – Meditation – Prayer”

Have a Wonder- filled, Happy Spring!

All Blessings,

Gail

Don’t let this happen to You!

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Wonder Woman: kidnapped and held hostage by Hollywood! This could be the headline for a review of the current Warner Brothers film, Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice. I was so looking forward to seeing this film. I was so excited to see the return of Wonder Woman, the first female superhero, in a line-up with Superman, the comic book hero Wonder Woman was created after, by Harvard psychologist and feminist, William Marston, in 1941. She would be there to fight against tyranny, just as she had teamed-up with Superman in the ‘40s to fight the Nazis.

I’m a psychologist, a life coach, a public speaker, and my current talk is on Wonder Woman as representative of the current feminine archetype of powerful, smart women who are working around the world (there are nearly one million grassroots women’s organization on the planet) for an end to violence; for social justice and equality for men, women and children.

I found no trace of the real Wonder Woman in this movie. There is no resemblance to her in the characterization written for Israeli actor, Gal Gadot. By the time she showed up (probably 2 hours into this painful, ugly drama), Superman had been reduced to a Superwimp and stripped of his superpowers. Batman is a sadistic villialante. Wonder Woman looks like a Vogue model, and when transformed, a character out of Game of Thrones, who’s dropped in, but we don’t know why. She accomplishes nothing. Gone are her gold tiara, which could be hurled at a villain to stop him in his tracks, the silver bracelets that could deflect bullets, the golden lasso which impels truth-telling. But the biggest loss for the audience is the loss of what the film purports to be about- Justice.

There is no justice in this movie. A monstrous creature, (Doomsday in the original comic story) Zod in this film, who’s infused with Lux Luthor’s DNA, succeeds in killing Superman- which was his aim all along. Although Luthor ends up babbling incoherently in prison, he is the only winner in this ­panoply of superheroes-gone-wrong and supervillains-getting-their-wish.

Luthor, played superbly by Jesse Eisenburg, is the only compelling character in the film. And I object. Anti-heroes are intriguing because, while they are morally ambiguous, they usually land us on the right side of things. Luthor is not morally ambiguous. He is a sadistic psychopath. So we essentially have no heroes in this film.

The corollary to Jesus’ death and resurrection is evident at the end (we even see a cross in the distance) when Lois Lane tearfully drops dirt on the coffin, turns away, and the coffin starts to move. By this time, my friend and I are just glad the film is over, and disgusted by the cheap gimmick preparing the audience for the next put-you-to-sleep-if-you-have-earplugs and can-stand-the-lack-of-morals sequel. (And I’m not interested in seeing Superman portrayed as the second coming.)

Back to Wonder Woman

Our first female superhero wasn’t created to compete with or participate in the prevailing male “fists and firepower” manner of handling crisis. She was created with the intention of bringing the feminine energies of love and fierce compassion to a world that desperately needed (and still needs) justice, equality and peace.

William Marston was dedicated to equal rights for women and he firmly believed that, “The only hope for civilization is the greater freedom, development and equality of women.” He and his brilliant wife, Elizabeth Holloway, dedicated their lives to this purpose. After his death in 1947 and with the end of the war, women were sent home from offices and factories, and Wonder Woman lost her power.

It’s been a long road back to equal rights and we still have far to go- particularly in other parts of the world. For example: Women perform 66% of the world’s work and produce 50% of the world’s food (in Africa 80%), but they earn 10 % of the income and own 1% of the property? (Women’s Global Initiative ’95; restated in 2012 and 2014, Marcia Dyson, Hillary Clinton, Melinda Gates)

So yes, we have much work to do. Male or female, we must unleash the power of our inner Wonder Woman, the powerful nurturing feminine energy we all possess, and stay true to our purpose and intentions. We must resist whoever and whatever organization, industry, cause, (or our own small selves) that might persuade, sidetrack, or hijack us from our mission, our life purpose of being a Warrior-for-Good.

At the Vancouver International Peace Summit in 2009, the Dalai Lama said:

“The world will be saved by the western woman.”

And Ernest Holmes wrote, “My Inner Light shines through the mist of human beliefs and frees me from the bondage of fear and limitation.”

And lastly, Socrates said, “The secret of change is to focus all of our energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”

So let’s harness the freedoms we possess and prove the Dalai Lama right! Be a Badass Wonder Woman Goddess. The world needs your vision, your truth, and your Divine Feminine Energy!

New Year – Blank Page

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Greetings!

What Achievements Will You Acknowledge for 2015? Every new year’s eve, whether at a gathering, or alone, at midnight I take a beautiful card with blank pages inside and write a letter to myself: on the left side, “Dear Gail,” and then I list all the wonderful achievements and blessings that have occurred that year. On the right side of the card I write about what I look forward to creating in the new year. This is what I wrote on December 31st:001

1. 2015 began with new life, literally- the birth of my third grandson, Santiago Wolf Bettencourt, aka Mr. Adorable.

2. My coaching practice accelerated, adding several more yearlong clients along with those who continue their contracts for four to six month services. Facilitating people to express their highest creativity and realize their many goals is a great honor.

3. I was able to return to Italy this year, a country I love, to spend time in Tuscany at a Mindfulness Conference with Donald Altman. I was awestruck and inspired to see and learn more of the history of these ancient cities, towns and cathedrals.

4. My “talk of the year” was Wonder Woman: Five Strides to Greater Power & Resilience. It was so well-received, I’ll be giving it two more times in 2016- February in Santa Fe, April in San Diego. 002

5. My daughter, Megan, had her first book released in August: Triumph of the Heart: Forgiveness in an Unforgiving World. This is a beautiful book about social justice, and it’s the culmination of fifteen years as an award-winning journalist, international travels, heart-rending interviews, and compelling narratives. I’m so proud of her.

6. This December I spoke at the Resource Center for Victims of Violent Death at their annual Snowflake Memorial. It’s deeply humbling to speak to a group of parents and families of murdered children. I spoke of Viktor Frankl, the physician who survived three years of starvation and hard labor, but lost his entire family in the Nazi death camps. His primary message is that one must endure suffering and grief in order to live and love and find meaning again through service to others. I am totally inspired by the parents who’re committed to helping other parents survive this most heart-wrenching grief.

7.And lastly, I’m grateful for the love of family, friends, and the trust of my coaching and therapy clients. I am so privileged to have been given this life! What Will Emerge on Your Blank Page for 2016? And then I turned to the new page for 2016 and for the first time, I was at a loss. I could think of nothing that would top 2015. Two weeks later I’m still looking at that blank page. So I decided to look at how it was that I achieved such success last year. Yes, I was blessed, but what did I do to help create it? As I reviewed my own coaching notes from last year, I realized I’d focused consistently on releasing self-criticism and practicing self-love.

This poem from Rumi was inspiration:

Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birds’ wings.”

In my daily meditations, I released fear and self-doubt; I embraced myself with love and compassion. And as I did this, I manifested more and more of what I desired for my life.

Now, for 2016 I am declaring that I will continue to practice expanding into self-love and love of others, and releasing all limited thinking and negativity. I will serve others in every way that I can and I will practice what I teach about Wonder Woman: to be the Badass Wonder Woman Goddess I came here to be! 003

More than ever, I believe the world needs the heroic qualities of our Divine Feminine Energy!

All Blessings to you this year, Gail

Daring Adventure and the F Word

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Helen Keller said, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” Some of us, during particular life transitions would opt for nothing- a little nothingness, a drop in the adrenaline, a simple diminution of stimuli, or as one of my friends says at times of chaos, “Let me just sit on my bed and suck my thumb.” We long for time to emotionally regroup.

The “daring adventure” that is our life is marked by cycles of change- of loss and reconnection, of dependency and individuation, of deep grief and realizations of renewed growth. Our “hero’s journey,” as Joseph Campbell taught us, is a process that guides, directs, pushes, pulls, and ultimately transforms us along the way from innocent children to wise, mature adults.

Psychologically, life transitions call us to transform the energy of the ego and its childlike ways of expecting the world to take care of us. We are tasked with facing and killing the dragons of defense, our early playmates, who taught us to deny fright and wrongdoing, rationalize deviousness, repress our negative thoughts and project our less than lofty impulses onto others. Repeatedly facing down the small to the deadliest fears rebirths us as warriors, able to protect and nurture ourselves as we grow strong enough to recognize, adapt and finally to enjoy and master completely new terrain.

Campbell tells us that we always have supernatural aid along the journey- so hang onto that belief in guardian angels, no matter in what form they appear. In my life they tend to appear as good friends turning up at crucial times with crucial insights, like a Tinkerbell, focusing my attention on how to handle the crisis of the moment. But one night when I was suffering unbearable pain from multiple broken bones in my shoulder, a more traditional angel friend showed up, dressed in gossamer white. She took me to an icy kingdom, which numbed my body and allowed for much-needed blessed sleep.

Angelic friends are folks you can cry in front of. Sometimes, before we take on the dragons, we have to fall apart and weep, say we can’t possibly do it, we can’t bear it, we didn’t even think we’d signed up for this particular trip. And our friends hold us and soothe us and remind us of who we really are… wonderfully intelligent souls, filled with the energy of the gods, and ready to take our rightful place at the vey center of our lives. As one woman said to me toward the end of a conflict-ridden divorce- “I’m taking back my power, my money, and my magic.”

The benefit from every life transition small or large, is the magic of transformed consciousness. This happens in three ways: through greater Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. Three A’s. When we survive and complete each journey, we have a deeper awareness of our values and our self in relation to the world. We accept ourselves, our shortcomings, our skills and our gifts, as well as our current life situation. And we discover greater courage to take the next action steps toward our goals.

There is an important F word involved here- the word is Forgiveness. Often, it’s the most decisive part of this equation. Self-forgiveness, or forgiveness of past wrongs, is the door that opens to the other three. It brings inner peace. To learn more about the benefits of forgiveness, and how to do it, order Megan Feldman Bettencourt’s new book, Triumph of the Heart: Forgiveness in an Unforgiving World.

http://meganfeldman.com/books/

As a trauma psychologist, I know how crucial forgiveness is to every part of our life cycle. Give yourself that gift.

Many blessings, and thanks to my daughter for writing this important book.
Gail

Your Creative New Year!

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Georgia O’Keefe said, “The days you work are the best days.” She was referring to her art, of course, which was her passion. In this New Year, let’s begin to view all of our work as our art. In doing so, every activity in which we invest our passionate energy will become our personal creativity.

In my book, From Crisis To Creativity, now in its third edition, I define creativity as “the art of growing self-expression.” In every way that we express an idea, a thought, a plan, a feeling, we give someone – including ourselves – a gift.

Mexican artist Frida Kahalo painted her first significant self-portrait following an accident that nearly killed her. She gave the lovely Italian Renaissance-style painting to her boyfriend, so that he would always remember her. This gift to her first love was an obvious memento. The gift to herself was less obvious, but more profound. It was a declaration that she had survived. After this, Kahalo chose to be a painter rather than a doctor. Following each of more than thirty operations, she made bold representations of herself, each one nearly shouting that she lived, despite her wounds and her physical and emotional pain. She lived and lives on through her gifts of art.

Businesswoman Ruth Handler is best known for creating Barbie and Ken, teenage stars of her mega-toy company, Mattel. In the 1970s, she survived a radical mastectomy from breast cancer, and from her grief came the idea for a comfortable, natural breast prosthesis. She worked with technicians from her company to create the “Nearly Me” line of breast replacements and from her vision manifested a gift to many other women.

Sarah Dixon studied to be a teacher. This young woman was born with spina bifida and hydrocephalus, genetic problems that gave her parents little hope that she would live to adulthood. Like Frida Khalo, Sarah has had thirty operations to restore physical functions. She now lives, works, studies, and even completed a trip around the world. Sarah reminds us to respect every life experience for its inherent growth and creative potential. Her life and poetry exemplify the “determined overcoming” which is the hallmark of the resilient and creative person.
Near the end of writing From Crisis To Creativity, I meditated about whether the book contained enough inspirational stories and useful information. The message I received was, “Enjoy the light that you create. Search no further to find brilliance outside of yourself. The light, the love, that you create every single day, from within and in interaction with others, will nourish you and bring you joy.”
So, in the second month of this New Year, turn within and trust that with mere intention you will manifest your gifts, your own brand of resiliency, brilliance and creativity.
The following questions might help you envision and clarify what you desire for this year:
What is Spirit’s Highest Vision for my life in 2015?
Who must I Become?
What must I Release?
What must I Embrace?
Is there anything else I need to Know at this time?

Many Blessings,

Gail

Phone: (505)833-4356
Toll Free: 855DrGailF (855) 374-2453
Email: gfwrites@comcast.net