Thank you for joining me today. My name is Gail Feldman and I’m a clinical psychologist and professional life coach. I’ve practiced here in Albuquerque for forty-plus years. I’ve titled my talk “The Emotional Pandemic- What you Need to Know” because I’ve become so aware of what I’m experiencing in my sessions (all remote now) with my clients and patients. I work with a population of trauma survivors, all very high-functioning, successful adults, but because of the current extraordinary situation are coping with anxiety and even panic. Two examples- a young woman, a child psychologist married to a hospital physician, is at home with two young children, one of them handicapped. Her husband has moved into the garage in order to keep from infecting them. Needless to say, she and her husband are very concerned about getting the virus. An 82 year-old woman, renowned in her career, fell and broke her hip several months ago- that plus other medical conditions have required repeated trips to the hospital. She is terrified of contracting the virus and is having panic attacks.
When you have never felt safe growing up, it’s difficult, if not impossible, to feel safe in this current time when life is nothing like the familiar life we used to have.
The March issue of The Harvard Business Review posted an article titled, “That Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief.” It was an interview with the world’s foremost expert on grief, psychologist David Kessler. He co-wrote with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. His new book is Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.
The Editorial Board began with this premise: “If we can name it, perhaps we can manage it.” We humans name everything in order to create a sense of mastery and control. Everything you see right now- from the chair you’re sitting in to the table you’re working from began with human curiosity and inventiveness- they were created and given a name. Most people are familiar with the feelings we call depression and anxiety. In the context we speak of now, these feelings are being called Grief.
I thought the Harvard Business Review article was spot-on because we typically associate grief with coping with death. We’ve never experienced anything like this pandemic.
So let’s talk about grief. We’ve named it. What is it?
The 5 stages of grief first described by Kubler-Ross are: Denial, Anger,
Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I’ve expanded a bit on these:
- Denial and Disbelief
- Anger and Outrage
- Obsession and Rumination (Bargaining) This is where Anxiety lives: If only…if only…..
- Depression and Despair
- Acceptance and Action
Gender differences: Sometimes we get stuck in one of the stages: men tend to linger more in anger; women tend to go more easily into depression.
Depression tends to be about losses in the past; obsession and anxiety about the fears of the future. What will happen? How will this be resolved? What will my life look like?
Kessler speaks of a new form of grief he calls, Anticipatory Grief, which is about that uncertain future we’re living in now. Worries about our financial security; worries about our families; worries about our own physical health.
How we have tended to view depression and anxiety- is as a medical problem; a psychiatric diagnosis; some have seen it as a weakness of character. There’s a recent podcast called:” Coronavirus, anxiety, and the profound failure of rugged individualism”-
Acknowledging that there’s no way we can take all this on by ourselves
They first point out that there are 3 main reasons for depression and anxiety: Biological– your own genetic makeup; Psychological– causes like trauma, low self- image; and Social causes in the environment- loneliness; financial insecurity. We have tended to ignore the social causes – until now. With this pandemic, we have a massive social upheaval. Most everyone has concerns about their physical, emotional, and financial security. This is normal.
What to do:
- Provide balance in your life: Structure your time. Create a schedule for 1) Physical movement: yoga, walking or other exercise. Schedules help us feel secure and in control. It’s the first thing we learn in life- when we get up, have breakfast, go to school, go to bed. Do these activities at the same time and for the same length of time each day 2) We have to stay informed: watch the news or read it online at the same time each day for a certain length of time then shut it off and move to your next activity
- Monitor your thoughts so that the negative thoughts simply indicate what needs to be handled. If the negative thoughts reflect a pattern of worry or “awfulizing,” practice self-cognitive therapy: a. Ex. “The market will never come back in my lifetime.” Put a big Stop sign up in your mind. We call this Thought-stopping b. Change the channel c. Flip the thought from negative to positive. Declare the positive thought.
- In the interest of clear thinking, meet with your financial advisor- the experts on your personal financial picture and the experts on the market in order to have a clear understanding about your personal situation.
- Be aware of what some behavioral economists call, the “animal instincts”- emotions that influence financial decisions during volatile times. If your animal spirits are high, confidence and optimism will be the prevailing energy. If animal spirits are low, pessimism and irrationality can influence market decisions.
- Practice Optimism: Resilient people are optimistic. Early longitudinal research on high-risk children, children who were extremely abused or neglected showed that 30% of these kids became highly functional successful, even leaders as adults. The consistent variable in these adults was found to be Optimism a sense of self-efficacy; a belief that they could be an influence for good- even in dire situations.
- If meditation and prayer is part of your life, be sure to practice it now. If not, find some readings that lift your spirits, that inspire you.
- I strongly suggest you keep a Journal:
- Write about the impact of this shut-down/stay-in Is having on you
- What does it feel like? Feel/explore your feelings
- Write what you are you committed to for your life in the next few years? Write a vision statement. In Proverbs it says, “Without a vison the
people perish.” Helen Keller said, “The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.” Take this time to rekindle your dreams - Write two actions you’ll take to move toward manifestation of these dreams.
- Know that manifesting your dreams, creating the next stage of your life is what will give this time power and meaning.
, Let me review the 7 points:
And now I’m talking about Kessler’s new book title: Finding Meaning- the Sixth Stage of Grief
- When we survive and affirm our most important values, we create meaning for our future life.
- Viktor Frankl, Austrian psychiatrist, lost all his family In the Holocaust; spent 3 years barely surviving in one of the concentration camps. He believed that suffering in life can only be endured and made meaningful in three ways: Through
(1) “Love -the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire.”
(2) Passion for one’s work- he spent the remainder of his life creating Humanistic psychology; wrote 36 bks- Man’s Search for Meaning the most well-known
(3) Courage to be responsible for handling challenges over which we have no control. He believed deeply in personal responsibility. He even spoke of being “worthy of one’s suffering.” Used the term, tragic optimism- the capacity to be clear about the tragic circumstances, and still be optimistic about the future.
Quote from Master Coach, Tony Robbins:
“We have a resourcefulness inside ourselves that says no matter what happens in life, who I am is bigger than anything that could ever happen to me or anyone I love. No problem is permanent, and nothing that happens is pervasive.”
Email: gfwrites@comcast.net
Website: www.gailfeldman.com -Viktor Frankl talk in Vienna is in the
Mexican artist Frida Kahlo painted her first significant self-portrait following an accident that nearly killed her. She gave the lovely Italian Renaissance-style painting to her boyfriend so that he would always remember her. This gift to her first love was an obvious memento. The gift to herself was less obvious, but more profound. It was a declaration that she had survived. After this, Kahlo chose to be a painter rather than a doctor. Following each of more than thirty operations, she made bold representations of herself, each one nearly shouting that she lived, despite her wounds and her physical and emotional pain. She lived and lives on through her gifts of art.
Georgia O’Keefe said, “The days you work are the best days.” She was referring to her art, of course, which was her passion. In this New Year, let’s begin to view all of our work as our art. In doing so, every activity in which we invest our passionate energy will become our personal creativity.
to be a painter rather than a doctor. Following each of more than thirty operations, she made bold representations of herself, each one nearly shouting that she lived, despite her wounds and her physical and emotional pain. She lived and lives on through her gifts of art.